<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>One Hundred Gold Pieces by UAs_Fics</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22532350">One Hundred Gold Pieces</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/UAs_Fics/pseuds/UAs_Fics'>UAs_Fics</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>South Park</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Childhood shenanigans, Gen, One Shot, Stick of Truth, Zine Peice</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-02-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-02-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-04-28 12:39:44</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,389</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22532350</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/UAs_Fics/pseuds/UAs_Fics</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>It is up to the Elf King, his Ranger, and the Human Princess to recruit the terrible Pirate Maplebeard and his fearsome kindergarten crew to fight against the jerkwad Clyde.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>16</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>One Hundred Gold Pieces</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The Great Elf King, the Beautiful Human Princess, and the Brave Ranger strode across the black asphalt of the playground, the cold wind of autumn throwing back their cloaks and hair. Just past the basketball court, currently occupied with second graders, stood Maplebeard’s ship. </p>
<p>The ship towered a whole five and a half feet above the sandy water. Trimmed in blues, the ship haul was a shiny plastic with only a slight mar tiny, oily fingerprints. The wind blew the bright red sail in the middle of the ship, like a bloody beacon of the crew’s terrifying power.</p>
<p>All around the vessel, pirates went about their duties, making mud pies for dinner or practicing their swordplay with sticks. At the vessel’s wheel, shouting orders to his crew, was Maplebeard himself.</p>
<p>The Princess readjusted her corset, shifting around the socks she had stuff down her shirt, only to receive a sharp glare from King Kyle.</p>
<p>“If you try to charm my brother, Kenny, I’ll kick your ass. I don’t care if you’re a girl or not,” King Kyle threatened. </p>
<p>Princess Kenny looked shocked that he would even suggest it.</p>
<p> “Kyle, you fucking Elven—” The Princess coughed into her hand, adjusting her voice back into a gentle, girlish tone. “Ah, I mean — I am a lady, your majesty, and I find it quite appalling that you would even suggest something so crude of me. You’ll never find yourself a hot babe if you keep acting like that.”</p>
<p>King Kyle opened his mouth to point out that Kenny had tried to charm every other person playing Humans and Elves, but shut it with an eye roll. If Kenny wanted to be like that, he wasn’t going to waste his time arguing.</p>
<p> Beside them, Ranger Stan snickered into his hand, only to wince. He rubbed his wrist, muttering a swear. </p>
<p>He had been gravely wounded in the last battle that he and The New Kid fought together. They both battled bravely against the dreaded rats in the sewer to rescue the little turd nuggets, but Ranger Stan knew his wrist would never be the same after such an injury — at least, not for the next few days, so his mom said.</p>
<p>What made the wounds all the worse was the fact they were inflicted by his own ally and not the enemy.</p>
<p>When The New Kid pulled out his hidden blades to stab the rats, he slipped in a puddle of unidentifiable green sludge. Instead of hitting their foes, all the blades came right at Ranger Stan.</p>
<p>Small cuts peppered his arm, but the pizza cutter to the wrist had to be the worst. The cuts hadn’t even been deep enough to leave Ranger Stan with a cool scar or two; instead, they just itched.</p>
<p>The New Kid, for his part, had been apologetic, trying to pacify Ranger Stan with offerings of tacos and toys and candies. Ranger Stan had just about forgiven him, but he planned on milking the New Kid’s guilt for a little longer still.</p>
<p>Shaking himself from his thoughts, the ranger returned to the mission at hand: recruit the kindergarten pirates to battle alongside them against the Dark Lord, AKA Clyde Donovan, who was ruining their game by being a whiny baby about his banishment from time and space. </p>
<p>“Just let me do the talking, ok?” King Kyle was saying.</p>
<p>“Fine, fine, do as you please,” Princess Kenny looked at her nails, pretending to be uninterested in whatever King Kyle had to say, partly to keep herself in character and partly to antagonize him. Even if Humans were working together with Elves, they were still enemies at heart. Once they beat up Clyde, they would go back to petty fighting and name calling.</p>
<p>Squaring his shoulders, King Kyle led them across the basketball court, over the snowdrift and wet sands to the ship. Putting his hands around his mouth, he shouted, “Ahoy! Maplebeard!”</p>
<p>All the kindergarteners froze before turning their gaze to the older kids. Some of them looked warry, thinking that these big kids were going to chase them away, while others looked confused. Weren’t the big kids playing make-believe about magic and swords? Why would they come to the playground ship? Or were they just taking Maplebeard home?</p>
<p>From atop the ship, Maplebeard called down excitedly, “Kyle!” He started to scramble off the playset but stopped. He moved back up before proudly pulling his plastic sword from the makeshift sheath and stabbing it up at the sun.</p>
<p>“I am the Pirate King!”</p>
<p>“You are,” King Kyle agreed. “Actually, Ike, we need to talk to you and your friends.”</p>
<p>One of the kindergarteners, Filmore, narrowed his eyes at the three. He stepped forward, hands on his hips.</p>
<p>“What do you want? You can’t make us leave. I’ll tell on you if you do. My mommy says we’re allowed to play here until lunchtime,” Filmore told them sternly. The other kindergartners started to draw closer, ready at a moments notice to fight — or go tell their parents that some big kids were picking on them.</p>
<p>“Don’t be a tattle-tale, kid,” Princess Kenny chided. “Girls don’t like tattle-tales.”</p>
<p>Ranger Stan covered her mouth, glaring. “Be nice. We need to win them over, remember?” He hissed in her ear. </p>
<p>As Ranger Stan nodded for King Kyle to go on, Princess Kenny managed to maneuver her hood down enough to expose her mouth and lick Ranger Stan right across the palm. </p>
<p>He jumped back, wiping his hand on his cloak. </p>
<p>The princess smirked. </p>
<p>King Kyle ignored them.</p>
<p>“We’re not here to chase you off,” he promised. “We’re here to ask if you’d like to play with us tomorrow.” </p>
<p>All the pirates' eyes grew big and round at the prospect of getting to play alongside all the big kids. Big kids, as they all knew, were allowed to play make-believe all throughout the town, not just in the playground or a backyard. </p>
<p>“Really?” Filmore asked, stepping closer. He fingered the stick sword in his hands in thought.</p>
<p>King Kyle smiled. “Yes! We’re storming the evil Dark Lord’s castle tomorrow, and we could use all the help we can get—”</p>
<p>“Especially from you pirates!” Ranger Stan cut in. “You’re one of our greatest allies!”</p>
<p>Filmore began to nod and agree when Maplebeard yelled, “No!” He slid down the slide before dashing over. “No! No! <i>Nooooo</i>! I am the Pirate King! Not Filmore!”</p>
<p>Filmore tried to protest, but the rest of the crew nodded in agreement with Maplebeard’s authority. Filmore wrinkled his nose but stayed quiet. </p>
<p>Maplebeard gestured for all the pirates to huddle close. They whispered for a good three minutes, then broke apart. </p>
<p>“Well?” King Kyle prompted. “Will you fight with us?”</p>
<p>Maplebeard held up his tiny finger. “One hundred gold pieces,” He said simply.</p>
<p>The older kids reeled back. One hundred gold pieces? Were these kids serious? Wasn’t being able to play with the big kids enough for them?! And playing such an important game, too. This was the best game of make-believe any of the fourth graders had played yet!</p>
<p>“Ike, don’t be obtuse,” King Kyle snapped. He took a breath, then let his voice fall into a calmer, gentler tone. “Please, this is really important. We need you, all of you.” He held out his gloved hand to Maplebeard. “Don’t you want to fight side-by-side with your big brother?”</p>
<p>Maplebeard looked at his hand, then up at King Kyle, then to his crew, then back. He raised his hand, letting his fingers hover just barely over King Kyle’s palm before he slapped the hand away.</p>
<p>“A hundred gold pieces,” Maplebeard repeated flatly, “or we keep playing here.”</p>
<p>King Kyle gritted his teeth. Once, his brother would have given anything to play pretend with him and his friends; what happened to that little kid?</p>
<p>“Ike,” King Kyle started in a low, warning tone.</p>
<p>Maplebeard drew his sword in one swift movement. He jabbed it at King Kyle’s nose, gleefully exclaiming once again, “I am the Pirate King!”</p>
<p>This time, his whole crew rose up in a cheer for their captain’s bold words.</p>
<p>Seeing his king’s tempter flare even stronger, Ranger Stan stepped forward and put a hand on his arm. He dragged him back a few paces.</p>
<p>Princess Kenny rolled her eyes. Elves didn’t know the first thing about winning people over, she decided as she doubled checked her chest socks.</p>
<p>Nodding contently, the princess whispered to the elves, “Watch and learn, boys.”</p>
<p>With that, Princess Kenny threw herself to her knees at Maplebeard’s feet with her arm flung over her face. </p>
<p>In her most distressed damsel voice, Princess Kenny pleaded, “Oh, powerful, clever pirate king! Please, won’t you lend us your hand in this hour of great need?” She crawled to clasp his tiny, swashbuckling hands. “Your numbers are many, and your determined nature is rumored unmatched across all of Zaron. We beg of you to lend us your aid!”</p>
<p>She angled herself to ensure King Kyle could not see her front then made sure to press her upper arms against the sides of the chest socks like she’d seen seductive women do in the movies. </p>
<p>Maplebeard pulled his hands away. He shook his head and crossed his arms.</p>
<p>“One hundred gold pieces.” </p>
<p>Princess Kenny wrinkled her nose before standing up. Brushing off the sand from her dress, she stormed back over to her diplomatic companions.</p>
<p>It was the big kids’ turn to form a huddle.  Each turned out their pockets and held the contents on their open palms. Between them, they had a jawbreaker, two and a half sets of elf ears, a scrap of fabric from a Terrence doll, and three dollars and eighty-nine cents.</p>
<p>Princess Kenny slipped the jawbreaker in her mouth under the pretense that the candy cost her a quarter her allowance at Lolly’s Candy Factory.</p>
<p>“My home kingdom is sparse for money right now.” She sighed dramatically. “We don’t like to give up our little luxuries.”</p>
<p>“Maybe this will be enough to bribe them into helping...” King Kyle sounded doubtful.</p>
<p> He looked over his shoulder at the pirates, who watched him with greedy eyes. It would take more than pocket change to satisfy their lust for gold.</p>
<p>Ranger Stan chewed his lip. “Do they really think we have access to gold? This is all pretend.”</p>
<p>“Maybe we can go make some?” Princess Kenny suggested around the jawbreaker. “Get some yellow paper and cut circles. We could put the crest of Kupa Keep on it!”</p>
<p>King Kyle shook his head. “I know Ike — Maplebeard — and he’ll want more than that.” He tapped his chin in thought as Princess Kenny rolled the jawbreaker to her other cheek. </p>
<p>King Kyle wrinkled his brow. “Lolly’s has those chocolate coins, doesn’t he?” He thought aloud. “If we could get a hundred of those, we could pay off the pirates.”</p>
<p>“That’s a great idea, your majesty!” Ranger Stan gently slapped his king’s back for his brilliant solution.</p>
<p>“Those coins are three dollars a bag, dude, and have maybe ten chocolates in them, max,” Princess Kenny reminded with a frown. “Do you have thirty dollars lying around to spend on candy you don’t even get to eat?”</p>
<p>King Kyle opened his mouth, shut it, then looked down away from the princess’s sharp stare.</p>
<p>“No, but we could ask our parents?” He offered meekly, knowing full well none of their parents would give them enough money for that much candy. </p>
<p>Princess Kenny simply shook her head. Leave it to affluent kids not to see the big picture. She considered a moment that they might ask the Wizard King, Cartman. His mom spoiled him rotten. He could easily get the money or even the coins themselves.</p>
<p>However, she quickly dashed the idea. King Kyle’s pride wouldn’t allow for that. <i>He</i> had to be the one to convince his brother and his crew to fight alongside them or Wizard King Cartman would never let him hear the end of it. </p>
<p>Seeing his best friend looking so dejected, Ranger Stan started to wrack his brain for someway they could get enough money to buy all the coins. He absentmindedly scratched at his bandaged wrist in thought when an idea hit him.</p>
<p>“I know someone with money!” He blurted out, already fishing his phone from his pocket. Princess Kenny and King Kyle looked at him with surprised and confused stares. Before they could ask any questions, Ranger Stan already had the phone to his ear.</p>
<p>With any luck, they would have their gold coins in an hour.</p>
<p>*****</p>
<p>The pirates rejoiced as they divided up the net bags of chocolate coins. </p>
<p>“One for you. One for you. One for you,” Filmore repeated as he and Maplebeard walked down the line of kindergarteners, handing each one a coin before turning around repeating the process back up the line. </p>
<p>The elf king turned one of the extra coins over between his fingers, satisfied his plan had been a success. That annoying Wizard King couldn’t have done better.</p>
<p>The princess, using her womanly charm on Ranger Stan, had gotten two of the extra coins, both of which she hid in her pocket. Karen would be ecstatic to receive some nice chocolate from her kind and beautiful big sister.</p>
<p>The Ranger stood next to The New Kid as The New Kid slowly counted out the last of his funds, which now mostly consisted of pennies. It had taken barely any time at all for Ranger Stan to guilt trip him into the fetch quest at Lolly’s — not that The New Kid ever protested or even said a word in reply.</p>
<p>The New Kid sighed, dropping the remaining money into a pouch at his hip. He patted it sadly with a shake of his head. He would have to walk around defeating enemies all over town for the rest of the day to get even close to what he had before Ranger Stan’s call.</p>
<p>“Thanks for doing this, dude. We’re even now. I forgive you.” Ranger Stan smiled and dropped a hand on his shoulder. </p>
<p>The New Kid nodded but said nothing — not that Ranger Stan expected him to. </p>
<p>Now with their numbers increased sizably by the pint-sized pirate crew, the forces of good were all one step closer to defeating that whiny baby of a dark lord, once and for all.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>My work for <a href="https://sp-talesofzaronzine.tumblr.com/"> <i>The Tales of Zaron</i> charity zine.</a><br/>I loved the little interactions between Ike and Kyle when Kyle is your buddy in SOT</p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>